I am just getting to know that my DH has a very bad impression of me. It is sad but I dont think he knows me after all these years.
Upon bringing on the subject of visiting cousins yesterday, all I suggested was that we need to be prepared better and get some things for the children before we show up. He has not been involving me in any decisions regarding these. Suddenly he accused me that I dont like people and that I am isolating his whole family.
In general his point is that I dont like to meet people. He went on to say, that" all you want to do is cry about autism and treat him (-DS )differently, the more you focus on autism, the more, he becomes or behaves autistic.. you are the reason he is like this."
I really dont know what to do. I cannot work, I cannot enjoy, how do I separate autism from my self? How can prevent every moment of the day from being engineered to engage?
How can I just enjoy the ocean and the San francisco wind? how can I enjoy the geese and the flowers when my little one is suffering from this?
I used to be a person once, I did have dreams.. I wanted to meet people and laugh and joke and do things, ...
When will I find myself again?
Is this the beginning of the end?
No, it's not the beginning of the end...it's just a down time. I get it; because I feel this way too sometimes. It's hard to offer positive advice because when people offer it to me, I think that they just don't understand. But, we have a bond and other mom's like me, DO understand. I'm sorry that you are feeling the way you do but I really do get it. I don't want to socialize- especially when it involves people with "normal" kids. It's so depressing! It helps to try to connect with people but you have to do it on your own terms and at your own time. It's also hard to separate yourself from autism. Sometimes, husbands don't understand because many of them have an easier time of separating themselves. I don't know why that is but they do. Maybe it is our Mother's Intuition/Gut Feeling, etc that we have that they don't.?? Anyway. Try to breathe. You are due a good day! I hope it happens tomorrow. :)
ReplyDeleteOMG I was exactly like this for the first few months
ReplyDeleteyou will dream new dreams and you will get your sense of humor back - I wish I could tell your DH that this is a temporary phase - becasue it is
Hugs and hugs - I know exactly what you feel
I completely understand this place, too.
ReplyDeleteTonight, I'm actually forcing myself to go out w/ several good friends for an early dinner because it's been months and months since I last saw them.
I'll be honest. I don't feel like going. With the very best intentions, they'll ask how Daniel (my son) is doing. They'll want to send him birthday wishes (his is 2 tomorrow), and I won't feel like trying to explain it all to them.
How do you explain what it's really like? All the sleepless nights? The constant worrying. All the researching. All the trying-to-get-a-handle on how to pay for everything. And mostly, all the waiting.\
If you're like me, you're in self-preservation mode. You're putting your energy to the people who need it most, and at the end of the day, there just isn't that much left for everyone else.
I'm hopeful when I read your last commentors words.. that this phase does pass eventually? But for now, at least for me... I ask myself the same questions: how do you separate yourself from Autism anymore than you could separate yourself from your child?
Right now I only see that my child is struggling and that it's my job to fix him. Period. That's the context through which I see everything right now.
I'm sorry I don't have more hopeful words, but I do have empathy. I am right there, too.
You echo my thoughts.This is just so hard.
ReplyDeleteWhat can I say..
One day at a time...
one step at a time.
Breathe and focus on little things and in time they enlarge the whole picture.